I have met and heard the tragic stories of many parents. PA is a function, by and large, of a custodial ex-partner, although some alienation can start while the couple is still together.

This blog is a story of experiences and observations of dysfunctional Family Law (FLAW), an arena pitting parent against parent, with children as the prize. Due to the gender bias in Family Law, that I have observed, this Blog has evolved from a focus solely on PA to one of the broader Family/Children's Rights area and the impact of Feminist mythology on Canadian Jurisprudence and the Divorce Industry.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Chapter 76 ~ A meeting with the Children's Aid Society

Update October 26, 2007: See my letter to the Executive Director of the CAS in Chapter 77 Have a look at the following letter from the Algoma Children's Aid Society. It is dated October 15, 2007 but was presented to me on Monday, October 22, 2007 at a meeting. In it you will see the access parent can do nothing right, the CAS can do nothing about child abuse relating to Parental Alienation (The intake worker who wrote the letter actually recoiled when I was going to give her a brochure from the PAA web site), and they are submitting my name into a data base that will be used against me if required in the future. It better have accurate information and not be full of unsubstantiated lies from the ex. All of this because I care about the behaviour of my children no matter where they are located and the lack of parental responsibility of the mother. I will put them on notice of the forthcoming civil law suit and divorce trial against my ex and that they will be called to testify, their documents warranting putting me in a database subpoenaed and if the information is false it will put them in financial jeopardy let alone cause their reputation to be diminished. It will also assure me of getting broader public attention if the main child protection agency for children in this Province is being put in the unenviable position of having the appearance of enabling child abuse through PA. Clearly the false accusations in the letter from this organization should not have been made in writing on their letter head. Re-read my opening remarks below my blog's title on the home page with respect to bias and the ecosystem surrounding females. Nothing has changed - has it? The letter writer and whoever else assisted in their investigation live in a box and are unable to connect the dots that lead outside of the box to see the insidious effects of the abuse caused by PA. All of the workers involved, as usual, are female, and even though they seem earnest in their work could the deck be stacked in the feminine direction? That isn't a rhetorical question. Stay tuned! Hopefully they are keeping an open mind and my inner sense meekly tells me to be patient and give this a try. Time will tell but my cynics intuition is in high gear. They obviously don't understand Parental Alienation and clearly don't want any information on it to better assess a situation. This is probably agency policy rather than their personal choice but it still shows an organization with blinders on. I do want them to help me with the relationship issues and I have voluntarily sought their assistance. Those of you in the same boat as me will no doubt see this is a status quo situation. Read my formal response following the CAS letter. I'd appreciate comments and observations to help my perspective. Update: October 24, 2007 I just had my first get-together with another person at the CAS, who is the Family Preservation Worker and who was at Monday's meeting. I can report our session this morning was excellent. She is to be an independent and neutral party and due to the nature of her job wishes confidentiality and that will be respected. Some of her functions will be to see if she can coordinate similarities (consistencies) between households, help with identifying activities and assist with communication. Her job is challenging especially between the ex and I with our animosity but I was left with the impression she has valuable experience. I didn't clearly understand her role on Monday but now I have a greater insight. It is important work and I am hopeful it can bear fruit. We will meet again next week and carry on with items discussed to see if Family communication can be improved. I didn't know the CAS had this service and it is a non-protection area that appears to be vital and necessary, especially in my case. I am more optimistic than after Monday's session when I wrote the above. Her job title is highly accurate. The children will be the beneficiaries.

Children’s Aid Society of Algoma

October 15, 2007

Mr. Michael Murphy

682 Old Garden River Road

Sault Ste. Marie, ON

P6A 658

Dear Michael:

I am writing this letter to inform you that your file with the Children's Aid Society has now been transferred from myself and the Intake Child Protection Worker to "AP" as the Family Service Worker. "RC" has been assigned as the Family Preservation Worker.

The Family Service Worker and Family Preservation Worker will work with you to provide you and your children with support given the ongoing stress related to the custody/access issues.

As you are aware, concerns were reported to the Society by you with respect to your children's behaviour on their street when outside with friends. I do not find this to be a child protection matter warranting intervention by the Society. It appears that the neighbour reports to you however, the Society did not receive a report from anyone directly involved in the incident.

Concerns were also reported regarding the mother's ability to manage your children's behaviours including an incident in which she allegedly was outside her home with a knife in her hand. Again, I do not have any direct information or evidence to confirm these allegations. It is my assessment that the ongoing issues regarding custody and access, and the information that neighbours of the mother report information to you, have an impact on your children resulting in an increased level of stress and anxiety. You have made your children aware that you have people watching them and telling you what they do. You have also informed them that you are aware of what goes on with them at school. This does not appear to be helping your relationship with your children as they appear to be perceiving your "watching them" as intimidating. I am able to confirm that your children demonstrate behaviours and anxiety which appear to be the result of the ongoing issues of custody and access. One of your daughters has expressed feeling sick, scared and upset during some access visits you.

I am aware that you contacted the police when your children refused to attend an access visit on September 27, 2007. Given that the outcome of an improved relationship with your children would likely be your desired effect, involving police in an attempt to force access, may not be the best approach in reaching such an outcome.

I was also provided with a letter that you wrote describing behaviour problems exhibited by your children during a recent outing to a Wendy's restaurant while on access with you. In that letter, you were holding the mother responsible for their behaviour while they were with you. I must inform you that the Children's Aid Society does not deal with issues of "Parental Alienation". This is something that you may wish to discuss with a psychologist. It is my assessment that the parent who has care of the children at the time is responsible for appropriately managing their behaviour. CAS and police should not be used as threats for your children when they are not behaving.

I was also provided with email correspondence from the summer between yourself and Peigi. In this correspondence, you talk about issues of your divorce ie. that you would rather get back together with their mom however she doesn't want to; that you don't hate their mother, however, Peigi replies stating that you do hate her and you "call her swears". Given the ongoing custody/access issues that your children have been exposed to, discussion about your divorce are not appropriate for you to have with your daughter.

I am obligated to inform you that whenever the Society receives a report, this information is documented in our electronic document management system along with the results of any intervention by the Society. Should you or any family member who was part of the investigation, become involved with another Children's Aid Society in the province of Ontario that CAS may also have access to this information.

It is my assessment that it would be in your children's best interest for each parent to have their time with their children and deal with what happens in their own home, versus being concerned about what happens in each other's homes. It is also my assessment that the children should be left out of knowledge of ongoing correspondence regarding custody/access issues.

Sincerely

L. F.

Child Protection Worker (CPW)

My response is self explanatory

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

L. F.

Child Protection Worker, Intake

Children’s Aid Society

191 Northern Avenue East,

Sault Ste Marie, ON

P6B 4H8 via fax 949-4747, R.C. 949-1023, A.P. 541-9872

Dear L:

Re: Peigi and Delia

Thank you for your efforts in getting this file opened and working with the children and parents to try and lessen the stress levels that are related to the current parental dispute. I appreciate the time you have already devoted to it including our meeting of yesterday. I have read your letter and want to formally give you my response to the comments within it.

The first and most important area is your Agencies disinclination in wanting to deal with Parental Alienation (PA) for what it is - insidious and cruel child abuse. If you saw a physical bruise on a child you would act immediately but every time my children bad mouth me that is a symptom of a psychic bruise. I understand you are not equipped to deal with it as it is a psychological matter for which you do not have the current tools available. My writing my book and maintaining the blog on the Internet is designed to raise the level of awareness amongst decision makers to put PA on the front burner and get it put into the everyday lexicon of people who should know how abusive it is. I will issue press releases on or before the trial date to assist in drawing attention to it and a portrait of the kind of parent who uses it against children who had a warm and loving relationship with their father.

I wish to remind you the mother is a convicted criminal who shows no remorse for her actions related to her crimes or the destruction of the family caused by her criminal activity in Marathon, ON and in Sault Ste. Marie, ON. She is by definition a liar who will tell you want you want to hear to your face and then bad mouth you after you have left. She has a history of “conning” a great many people with her “I am a professional victim” persona and she is a child abuser both physically and psychologically. She also has undiagnosed mental health disorders that affect her everyday life. Despite being above average in intelligence and having an honours university degree she is still unable to find meaningful work after almost 2.5 years on welfare.

I was disappointed you did not want to take the brochure I provided on Parental Alienation as it is simply designed to increase awareness of possible symptoms of the malady. You have stated in your letter I have told the children I have people watching them in the neighbourhood and school. This is patently untrue. The mother has probably led the children to believe this. The school, of course, would provide no such information to me nor would I manufacture such a statement. By ignoring the content of the PA brochure you have fallen into the trap of believing everything you hear from the mother or the children, particularly Peigi. She is completely under the negative influence of her mother and will repeat anything told to her that is negative about her father. She has been completely brain washed into thinking I am evil. According to Peigi the mother has recently told them I think they are “mental” for wanting to get them counselling and untold other fabrications of a twisted mind.

The story Peigi relates about me calling her mother “swears” is yet another fabrication. It did not happen. It was invented by the mother or Peigi invented it herself – and herein lays the greater danger – the mother loses control of the alienation resulting in the child taking matters into their own hands. In one case an alienated boy shot and killed his father while sitting behind him in the father’s vehicle in the mother’s driveway in Texas on an access pickup. The mother was the gun owner and did nothing to prevent the horrible tragedy. The alienating mother of my children has no ability to show any remorse for her past criminal behaviour and indeed doesn’t even think she has done anything wrong. She would not bat an eye if Peigi committed further violence on me. Instead of verbal abuse, kicking, punching and throwing things at me it is not a big step to attack me from behind with a weapon. If you ignore the symptoms of PA you miss what is really going on by believing everything you are told such as me making my children aware I have people watching them. It is but another lie! There is indeed stress from the divorce process but the alienation of my children started long before the mother took them from the family home. The mother has also, in court documents, indicated she took them from the home based on advice from your worker, Janice West. You may wish to consult Ms. West on the veracity of that statement and if it is untrue then you may see there is a credibility problem with the mother. If the statement was made by Ms. West it was based on false information which I will be dealing with at the trial.

I do not have any trust of the mother’s parental capabilities and will take appropriate action when I am advised the children appear to be not getting the attention or proper supervision they deserve and could be potentially getting into trouble. I cannot stop worrying about them simply because they are in attendance at another person’s house. I am divorcing my wife not my children. Her past criminal behaviour with no remorse speaks for itself. She has a history of irresponsibility in managing her behaviour appropriately and has aptly demonstrated it with her alienation of the children.

You are quite right in stating my calling the police to enforce my court ordered access increases stress and does not help my relationship with Peigi. What do I do – just roll over and say I don’t love my children and don’t want to see them? Wait for a few months and see if things settle down then get accused of not wanting to see my children? You have no idea what the mother is capable of but I do. What you failed to also mention was the mother’s influence over Peigi’s decision to not attend or indeed the passing of the decision making process from the mother to her child. Is it appropriate to have the child make the decision? I think not but it is classic with a weak parent. You may wish to consult the Office of the Children’s Lawyer report to see the comments with respect to allowing the children to make adult decisions – or the PA brochure which is available on the website shown on the business card I left with you. If further criminal charges are brought against her by regulatory authorities who will be the bad guy then? The Crown Prosecutor? Will her increased stress levels then be considered in a more lenient sentence because it will also stress out the children? It is my view that if someone commits grave acts of injustice or crimes they are accountable for it and do not deserve the kind of sympathy you allude to in your letter. I simply do not understand that type of thought process. Would you give the same consideration to a father under similar circumstances? If the mother wishes less stress in her life why did she commit criminal acts that have destroyed the family and got us to this current place?

Peigi does not get or feel ill intrinsically because she visits with me. We had tremendous fun going to the beach, playing in the yard including the trampoline, having the neighbour’s children over this past summer and they had the experience of their lives going to Disney World in August. Peigi feels so loyal to the mother, and the mother is so emotionally weak which she readily telegraphs to the children, that she may think she is disloyal by attending with her father. The complaints made by her neighbours and my resulting corroboration they were true and my actions in dealing with them, as she isn’t providing appropriate discipline as a parent, has had a negative impact without question. The consequences of ignoring inappropriate behaviour by the children are far greater than the temporary downbeat feelings Peigi has of me over trying to keep them out of trouble. I am prepared to deal with this pain as every responsible parent must to ensure the children know the difference between right and wrong and what is moral and immoral. As evidenced by her criminal activity and sexual dalliances with men and women outside of the marriage the mother does not know this difference. My above actions have clearly had a negative affect and that is, in part, what is causing her reluctance to attend but the loyalty because of PA is even bigger and more pronounced. It is a sickness that becomes self-perpetuating. What is happening with access is also classic behaviour relating to PA. The alienator withholds access, the access parent grieves by not being able to see his children but – and here’s the “kicker” if that parent attempts to enforce access, such as myself, I then become the bad parent. Workers, such as at your agency, are sucked into the vortex by becoming unwitting enablers of the PA reinforcing the very behaviour you don’t have the tools to deal with readily. This has already happened as described in the contents of your letter accusing me of actions I did not take.

I expect this case may be a stimulating test of your agencies capabilities in dealing with a major issue that is not within your in-house capabilities. That issue will remain paramount in my much focussed attempts to get it the maximum amount of publicity so that Parental Alienation gets the attention and resources it deserves. Alex Baldwin may also produce a book on it which, because of his celebrity, may get more notice than my much more local attempt. His behaviour in the now infamous phone message he left for his daughter is a clear signal to those of you in the child protection business that this phenomena is a serious issue. His outburst was clearly unjustified but the angst his wife’s actions have caused are not to be ignored. Until a person is subject to this behaviour you can have no idea of its emotional impact. I grieve every day without end for the emotional re-engagement and love of my children. If we lose a loved one to a death the grieving at some point will lessen in intensity. I have been in constant grieving for almost 2 and half years intermixed with some happiness when my children and I were enjoying each other’s company as mentioned above. Add to this the financial nightmare and more recent criminal activity in the family business left behind by the mother for me to deal with and you will get an appreciation that despite it all I remain sane, focussed, non-violent, pleasant but insistent and assertive, as I have taught my daughters to be, able to provide personal world class customer service to the hundreds of people entering my store weekly 6 days a week sometimes 12 hours a day and keep the same staff I hired after my wife took off using lies and deceit. That is not a mean, ill-tempered, violent individual but a very resilient human, albeit imperfect, deserving of a loving relationship with his two youngest children.

Your colleague’s jobs will not be easy given the entrenched and deep feelings of animosity emanating from both parents. My Parental Alienation blog will give them the background that has lead to this current situation and I suggest they read it as it will be helpful in understanding my feelings at least. They may also wish to visit the family web site above to get a sense of my attitude toward my children. That site exists for the family and has no mention of the marital dispute. Another blog I maintained in the past but stopped after the children left is at http://****.blogspot.com . I called it “A Canadian ***** Views.” (Ed. Note: I’ve omitted the titles to protect the children’s privacy). It is a Family Blog dating back to 2003 and ends in the saddest day of my life at Christmas 2005. I still cry when reminded of that day. This journal of daily life was designed for my two adult children so they could get a flavour of the daily life of their dad and sisters. I think it shows me as I am, a caring, compassionate, attentive, loving father of 4 wonderful daughters who have given me the most joy of anything in my life - not the violent person depicted by my ex with false accusations of abuse. I look forward to reengaging that joy with my two youngest with your help. I will provide a fax as well to your colleagues as it may provide useful information for the challenge they face.

Yours truly

Michael J. Murphy

2 comments:

Legally Kidnapped said...

When a child is told a lie enough times, they start to believe it. Children are suggestible and will start to believe things that didn't happen. What you are describing is a common trend. It is a way for the mother to get power at the expense of the life of the father.

Sadly enough it works.

LK

Mike said...

Thank you for your comments. It is a truth that an often repeated lie can become perceived to be the truth. It can happen in adults but you are right on the mark stating children are more susceptible. Combine that with the emotional weakness of the mother, which gains her sympathy - especially from my 12 year old and it is a powerful weapon at her disposal. She has had years of practice at it!