Saturday, September 20, 2008
Please note. Most literature indicates females alienate their children against a target father in greater frequency rather than vice versa but further studies are needed to confirm this. No matter which parent conducts alienation it is criminal psychological abuse and this parent should lose custody immediately. The Ontario courts are starting to do this very thing.
An important element in the getting and keeping of custody is parental alienation (PA) programming of the children. This is circulated in women's circles as an “underground” formula to ensure custody and "screw", in most cases, the father. First you turn the children against him (her). This is done by using denigrating remarks such has he doesn't care about you, he is old, he is dirty, he is smelly, he has yellow teeth, he has bad breath, he is messy, he is bald, he disciplines you, (setting limits not physical punishment by the way) therefore he is mean, he is fat or chubby, he is ugly et al…. Dr. Richard Warshak, in his book “Divorce Poison” calls this brainwashing and bashing. This causes the children to think of their father (mother) in a totally different light making it easier for the children to lie, cheat, steal, and spit vitriol taken from the mouth of the hostile & aggressive parent (HAP) back at the target.
What lessons does this teach a child? Once the children are turned against the parent who in their right mind would give custody back to such an alleged "abuser", certainly not the courts who are duped on a far too frequent basis by these tactics. The only conclusion the clinical investigator or a custody assessor, if one is involved, could come to under the circumstances is to make a recommendation based on the circumstances found. Once the HAP has the children brainwashed (PA) they believe her every word when it comes to the target. The longer the time frame this goes on the better for the HAP. It is absolutely urgent for the target to not be passive about this. Start to take action especially ensure you show up regularly for visits and get counselling or the intervention of a CAS special non-protective program . Many have them. Above all be calm and rationale and do not - under any circumstances - retaliate by badmouthing your ex in front of your kids. If you do it will likely drive a further wedge - remember they are programmed to hate you - and you will be joining the process of creating dysfunctional children.
This leads to phase 2 of the formula. It would be too traumatic to give custody to the target after such a long time with the HAP, after all she is the mother and if the children are female what man could be risked raising females & the courts are duped again. Time is your enemy. Act quickly to get intervention. The next pillar of the formula involves taking advantage of the courts liberal bias toward perceived "abused" victims who, coincidentally, are almost always female. Who ever heard of a male victim in family court? Who has ever heard of "battered husband syndrome?" You have now! It does exist and is as real as the 6 times higher suicide rate for dads compared to females within two years of separation. This particular one is very commonly used as a tactic by Divorce Industry lawyers who will say their client is being victimized, harassed, intimidated and this is affecting the children. They may say the father needs anger management courses even though it might well be the mother who spits the vitriol and attacks the father. I can speak with some degree of personal experience on this one in terms of being emotionally, physically and financially abused. The courts then penalize the father in the mistaken belief it is in the best interest of the children, when in fact, it is only in the best interest of the alienator. Some judges suffer from what I describe as the"little woman syndrome" after hearing such statements made by a female.The judge concludes in a very sexist manner the "little woman" is incapable of handling the stress of divorce and "must" because they are unable to handle it involve the children. In this manner the judge is an enabler of both sexism and child abuse. The father is then penalized further. Sexism and the concomitant condescending behaviour toward females is inappropriate. Participants in this process must be treated equally. If the HAP parent cannot handle the stress they can at least keep the children out of it and if they can't they do not deserve physical custody.
The final knife is financial and the alienator appeals to the courts sympathies as she is an "abused" victim and cannot work because of the trauma suffered and, therefore, have the courts eviscerate the man (father) financially as well as the emotional carnage when the affections of their children have been stolen by narcissistic and sometimes mentally ill partners. As a result millions of parents in many jurisdictions caught in this charade think of the family courts as highly biased, unfair, and disrespect the court system and the divorce industry participants who make an estimated 6 billion $ a year in Canada and create broken homes, broken lives,drops in families standard of living, and massive reductions in children's financial legacies. The collateral damage based on these judges decisions should be studied longitudinally to reflect the disproportionate suicide rate, drug addictions (alcohol principally), depression and financial devastation of the fathers/husbands.The 3 prongs of this formula are working like a charm for a great many HAP’s most of whom use it to get men. It is misandry and destructive. Every time a parent bad mouths their partner in front of a child of the marriage it also hurts the child who may identify strongly with the target or at least sees they are genetically connected in some fashion. This decreases their self esteem and can lead to higher rates of suicide, drug use, pregnancy, truancy and involvement in criminal activities. Children ought not to have such pressure placed on them. There is no denying there are legitimate complaints of abuse but keep in mind the Statistics Canada numbers that show females assault their male partners in greater proportion than one would think from the police "reported" instances. There is a big difference between those reported and those that actually occur. Statistics Canada reports 6 battered women for every 5 battered men in Canada. In the USA the numbers are closer to 50-50. It is also true females are more likely to abuse and kill their children as opposed to men by a significant margin. Men tend to not report assaults by their female partners for a variety of reasons not the least of which is pride. I have been attacked several times, once with a long wooden rake handle. My ex and I have some rudimentary martial arts training and on one swing of the handle toward me I reflexively dodged it and then stepped forward to prevent the next blow by putting her off balance at the end of the swing. She fell down and got bruised. She blamed me for being abusive. A man can't win even in self defense. Lets get rid of this nightmare and create the presumption of equality and shared parenting when a family decides divorce is their only solution. Yes lawyers will lose some business but hell they know better than anyone how to manipulate the system to their advantage. Have you ever seen how many of them are also politicians? They'll come out looking OK. They always do. This essay is an original copyrighted work 2008 by Michael J. Murphy and is proudly and unabashedly pro-dads rights.
Read the following almost unbelievable story. This is what our legal system can do to you. The judge who issued the original restraining order gave Mr. Bandusky a death sentence filled with protracted pain, torture and financial ruin. It was done in secret without his knowlege. All because he was a man. Don't think of this as an isolated incident. It is not. It could happen to you. Mike Murphy
It was with great sorrow that I learned of the death of charter member Steven Bandusky on August 27, 2008, from liver and kidney failure. When we first heard from Steve on August 10, 2000, he was a successful engineer with Boeing in Mesa, Arizona.
He had built what his boys called the "big house" for his family, wife, her two daughters, and two boys of his and his wife. With about 5000 square feet and a full basement, it truly was a big house. The boys loved to play in it. Unfortunately about a year after they moved in, things started to get a bit stressed with his wife Sylvia. Maybe it was the money, which was thin then, or maybe they grew a bit distant because of his schedule at work and trying to make ends meet.
At approximately 11:30 PM, on Monday, January 31, 2000, Steve was awoken by the sound of someone knocking on his bedroom door. It turned out to be two City of Mesa police officers informing him that he was being forced from his residence under an ex parte domestic relations restraining order.
All that he could think was that he had been woken up by the Gestapo in Germany. In utter disbelief he asked to see the court order. Yes, there it was in black and white, an order stating that he had committed an act of domestic violence against his spouse, his two stepdaughters, and two young sons pictured below.
After trying to convince the officers that this was total nonsense, he asked them if they saw any evidence of domestic violence against his family members. They said no, but reiterated that they had no choice in the matter but to follow the letter of the court order. One of the officers even mentioned that the action he was ordered to take against Steve was wrong, yet he still had to act on the direction of the court order. So after packing an overnight bag, Steve said goodbye to the house he had just built for his family. He then found himself driving around Mesa at midnight looking for a place to stay. Eventually he went to work instead.
It turned out that Steve's wife had gone to his mother and borrowed $100 that Monday and used the money to go to court and file the ex parte restraining order against him.
With the house being just a year-old, Steve was still doing landscaping. When hit with the restraining order there were dangerous open trenches. Being an engineer, Steve was concerned about the danger to pedestrians and others if the trenches were left open. Thinking the legal system was just, he obtained a modification of the restraining order to return to the house and fill in the trenches. The modification expired at 5 PM but Steve was still working away at 5:30 trying to finish up. His wife then called the police and had him arrested for violating the terms of the order.
As usual, Steve was convicted of domestic violence for violating the restraining order in the kangaroo county court after some dispute between the City of Mesa and Maricopa County as to who got to put the noose around his neck for trying to be a good citizen. He vainly attempted to get a jury trial for the criminal charge but was denied.
Incidentally, a November 20, 2000, letter to Arizona Senator John McCain about his situation went unanswered. And Steve's pro se appeal through the state courts was denied and certiorari was denied by the US Supreme Court.
Of course with the conviction for violating a restraining order he was denied custody of his two boys although he did have two weekends a month visitation.
Real domestic violence
Meanwhile his wife's new boyfriend had moved into the house with the stepdaughters and the two boys. Within a year she had a new baby by him to add to the "family." As often happens with women looking for a little "excitement" in their lives they take up with an abusive male. Apparently Sylvia still couldn't keep her knees together, or something else set off the resident boyfriend.
On April 27, 2002, Steve visited the marital residence to discuss the re-positioning of some trees in the front yard that she had planted directly over the septic system. When he arrived approximately 10-12 police vehicles/officers/detectives were parked in front of the house. Steve quickly got out of his car to find out what was going on. He approached one of the detectives and was told there had been a shooting. After just about passing out from fear that his sons had been injured he was told they were safe with a neighbor down the street.
Apparently Sylvia, Steve's now ex-wife, was shot in the back of the head with a 12-gauge shotgun by her resident boyfriend while the children were in another room. Fortunately for Steve the police had the perpetrator in custody. So he was not considered a suspect, as would usually have been the case.
After finding out from the detective that the boys were safe and sound with some neighbors, Steve informed the police that he was going to go get them. They informed him that he couldn't due to the fact that he did not have sole custody and couldn't take them without a court order. They also informed him that this was a criminal investigation and that they wanted to question the boys, who were in the house at the time of the shooting.
At the time Steve still naively believed he had rights as a father and made the mistake of getting mad at the police, never a good thing to do, especially when they are conducting a murder investigation. The police then ran a check on Steve and found he had an outstanding warrant for his arrest. He hadn't attended the DV treatment courses after being convicted of violating a restraining order when he attempted to finish the landscaping project. So Steve got arrested and taken to jail once again.
After posting bond he went back to get the boys only to find the police had taken them into custody for questioning.
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Steve was lucky in that, after an investigation, child "protective" services gave him custody of his two boys after his wife was murdered. My understanding is that the new baby went with its maternal grandparents. I don't know what happened with the stepdaughters. Perhaps they went back with their father but Steve did keep in touch with them.
As with everyone who goes through these injustices and traumatic events, Steve developed PTSD, severe in his case. The stress caused him to perform poorly at work and he went on medical leave until he used that all up. Eventually, though, he lost his job with Boeing and remained unemployed as he was emotionally unable to concentrate.
After cleaning his wife's brains and blood off the wall he managed to sell the "big house" and the boys certainly didn't want to go back there. That gave him money to live on but, like many, he self-medicated the PTSD with alcohol. More alcohol was required as time went on and eventually his kidneys and liver failed.
Restraining orders kill
Through all the many emails from Steve he was trying to fix the problem, fight the issues and injustices in the courts, and care for his boys. There was never any violence in his marriage, only some arguments about money, and probably some estrangement due to his working too hard to try and pay for a new home and support a wife and four kids. For this, which we should admire, his life and family were destroyed.
If Sylvia had not taken out the restraining order there is a very good chance she would be alive today. And we can be reasonably certain Steve would not have crawled into a bottle to compensate for the incomprehensible injustices done him and his children.
Before he died Steve did arrange with the older of the stepdaughters to care for his now orphaned sons. We can only hope the resilience of youth allows these now young men to go on to normal lives despite the tragedies their parents endured at the hands of a society and justice system gone mad.
May he finally rest in peace
While Steve lived I asked him many times to write his story so that others would know what was being done to him. After buying flowers for the grave of the boy's mother on March 15, 2004, he wrote me the following message:
"People have been after me for a few years now to write this story. I don't know why it has taken so long to complete. I have started many times, but I am still in utter disbelief as to what has happened. I always seemed unable to finish. Maybe it was the pain, maybe the horror or probably just the absolute incredulity of the way our government "protects" us.
The flowers were for the mother of my two young sons that we recently placed on her grave on what would have been her 39th birthday. This was the first time that I've taken them to view the gravesite of their mother. It was the first time that I thought that they were ready to be reminded of the horror of what had happened a few years ago in the "big house," as they fondly called it. I found it a bit ironic as I watched the tears form in their eyes, to notice that just a mile away on the horizon, stood the hospital that Johnny and Robbie were born in, some 6 and 8 years ago. They were just 3 and 5 when the nightmare began."
Go with God, Steve, for you the nightmare is finally over. I hope my few futile words provide some evidence of the horrors inflicted on you. Know that as long as I draw breath I'll continue fighting these injustices in your name.
Charles E. Corry, Ph.D., F.G.S.A. President
Equal Justice Foundation http://www.ejfi.org/ 455 Bear Creek Road Colorado Springs, Colorado 80906-5820 Personal home page: http://corry.ws
Curriculum vitae: http://www.marquiswhoswho.net/