A short essay on a new approach to dealing with Domestic Violence

The following is a short essay in response to a feminists approach to Glenn Sacks blog claiming most of those of us who visit the blog were whiners and complainers and her own experiences with, in her view, a couple of her mother's husbands being bad dudes. See it here http://glennsacks.com/blog/?p=3009#comment-606759 We are hearing one side of a story that is tragic but short on details about why the biological dad took off. It sounds like the mom then cast her cold eyes on another guy because she couldn't make it on her own. Her motives are suspect in the 2nd case and was she an abusive spouse in the first and scared him off. We don't know and will be forever suspect given the emotional nature of her communication to Glenn and we all know what emotions can do to logic. If she did have a terrible childhood due to the two men ill chosen by her mother it still would take two of them to dissemble the relationship. There are bad men. My father was a drunk and an abuser who would beat my mother in a drunken rage and then turn on us as we defended her. He was a bad - bad man. Why? He came back from WW ll different than he left I guess. I wouldn't know first hand as I wasn't born until after that. Did he have a long term case of PTSD? That is quite possible. There was no treatment or indeed no recognition of such things back then. He was, however, a bastard for sure as the 50's moved toward the 60's. That does not make all men such things. I've seen the results of women getting addicted to drugs and alcohol and they become the most evil, abusive and vile people on earth. That, of course, isn't all women. Until DV is treated as a family problem rather than a female victim/male perp we cannot expect much to change. Resources need to be spent on trying to salvage a family caught in the trauma of disputes holistically rather than all women are victims. I often wonder if that had been available to my family back in the 50's whether things would have worked out differently. How about a court order process requiring all family members into counselling and if the perp does not respond in a timely manner then the criminal process kicks in. We know the downstream impacts of the current process with criminal records, loss of jobs, poverty, etc. If such a system existed early warnings, as part of an education process, would allow the victimized spouse or child to seek counsel and have the family brought into a healthy counselling process before things got out of hand. It would be far more proactive and preventative. Its not working currently and more and more appears to be spent on direct and indirect help for females only. We need a new approach for both genders as we all know - at least on this blog - that men and women are equal initiators of DV. The blog post is here as well:

'How about discussing the millions of fathers who help make kids, then abandon them?'

December 3rd, 2008 by Glenn Sacks

"Tell you what Glenn, how about devoting an entire section to the fathers who make divorce a necessity, if not a blessing? How about discussing the millions of fathers who help make kids, then abandon them?

"But that'll never happen because you're too preoccupied with providing a crying towel for a bunch of puerile, misogynist, bitter men, who would rather blame the system and their former wives/girlfriends than lend a hand with their kids."

A letter from Cheryl, a fan. Cheryl writes:

Every time a 'poor me, I'm discriminated against, I'm a victim of double standards, women get all the breaks' site pops up on the internet, I get a good laugh. I took the time to view your various complaints, and I've come to the conclusion that you're a whiny, self-absorbed male who vents his spleen at women and "feminists" in general, instead of advising fathers to accept and live up to their obligations and responsibilities.

You can bitch all you want about the 'inequities' of divorce and child support, but WOMEN have always borne the brunt of the aftermath of divorce, including child care.

My mother raised 7 kids by herself. As we grew up, all of us worked to make ends meet. She received food stamps once. We were never on welfare. She was a young woman during the decades where females were discouraged from being in the workforce, and discriminated against if they were.

The men's story?: My biological father cared more for the horse track than he did his own family. Suffice it to say that he was nothing more than a sperm donor. My mother divorced him when I was 3 and my baby sister was 1 1/2, after 11 years of marriage. She never demanded alimony, just child support. He skipped town and never paid one red cent. That was in 1960.

My former step father was a child-abusing drunk, who made our lives, especially mine, a living hell, for 8 years. I was 4 when my mother married that bastard and 12 when she finally kicked him out.

I see you have a special interest in the issue of domestic violence. How's this for a sample?: My mother was forced, more than once, to knock the shit out of him due to his filthy mouth and verbal and physical threats. I remember her kicking open a bedroom door after he had shoved her and fled, and backhanding him so hard he fell across the bed. She was 8 months pregnant with my brother at the time. The cops were at our house so many times, I lost count. He initiated the fights, and put the family through unimaginable emotional and financial strain.

When she finally divorced him after 10 years, he also skipped town. No child support for his stepchildren nor for his biological children.

Before you criticize her choice in men, let me point out two things: The first time she married for love, the second time for practicality. Neither one of her former husbands revealed their complete, true nature until after the nuptials. Ain't that a kick in the ass? But then, women are accused of that all the time, aren't we?

Tell you what Glenn, how about devoting an entire section to the fathers who make divorce a necessity, if not a blessing? How about discussing the millions of fathers who help make kids, then abandon them?

But that'll never happen because you're too preoccupied with providing a crying towel for a bunch of puerile, misogynist, bitter men, who would rather blame the system and their former wives/girlfriends than lend a hand with their kids.